The Unsolicited [But True] Observations of Your Lady Naik Perveen – Episode 1: Wuthering Brides

Dear Reader,

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman of legal age [negotiable] and runway model dress-size [non-negotiable] must be in want of a man. The industriousness of marketing agents rishta khalas [matchmaking aunties] and mums’ of entitled eligible raja betas’ [desi prince charming] on this part is worthy of ekkees topon ki salami [21-gun salute].

Their eagle-sharp gaze is divinely ordained to spot potential brides, stealth so ingenious it puts Russian spies to shame. They can, will, do corner you at any time or location: Boardroom, classroom, bazaar, darzi [tailor], mehndi [wedding], mai’yat [funeral], milaad, graduation, orientation, road, railway, airport, hospital… Exam questions may range from daddy’s annual income to the 1947 immigration of your ancestors so, please study and be prepared at all times.

Eligibility Requirements are as follows:

  • Looks: Fair as the moon [Minus craters], broad forehead, thin-nose, Jolie lips. 
  • Height: Shorter than raja beta but not too petite. 
  • Weight: Preferably single digits. 
  • Nationality: Hopefully not the same or at least dual. 
  • Education: Home economics or doctor with no interest to see patients.
  • Experience: Tauba! None whatsoever!  
  • Expertise: Olympic champion in laundry, ironing and cooking [at least three cuisines and ten course meals.] Bonus Points if personally trained by Gordon Ramsay.
  • Magic Skills: Mother of Future gorre chitte XY Chromosomes. 
  • Things not required: Opinion. Ambition. Body Hair. 

Please ensure you fulfill all requirements before applying. Ineligible applicants are advised to morph their personalities as soon as possible. For detailed instructions, please contact the writer. First ten respondents will receive a free grimoire on transfiguration!

Sincerely,

Lady Naik Perveen

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